What Carl Wanted
by can08writer
Summary: This story is based on the Season 8 episode 9 photo of Michonne crying over Carl in the sewers. When every parent's worst nightmare happens, what can keep you going?
1. Chapter 1

Carl steadily grew weaker through the hours, as the houses of Alexandria burned above them. While he was awake, everyone who was hiding in the sewers with the Grimes family got an opportunity to say goodbye to him. They told him how sorry they were, and that he'd always be missed and remembered. Even the Alexandrians who he'd barely talked to thanked him for saving their lives, and coming up with the plan that saved them from the Saviors' wrath.

Rick had sat by his side the entire time, holding his hand, stroking his hair, pouring water into his mouth, and doing any other little thing that might take away some of the pain his only son was feeling. Michonne felt like her whole world was crumbling around her, but although tears occasionally dripped from his eyes, Rick stared silently at his son without much expression on his face. She was shocked that Rick hadn't broken down. He sat close to his son, offering reassurance any way he could, but it was like he'd shut off his own feelings. He wasn't allowing himself to feel this. He was numb.

Michonne watched as Rick told Carl how much he loved him, and that he was so proud of him and what he'd done, and who he'd grown to be. Rick spoke and listened to Carl, yet he didn't break. He stayed strong as he watched the life slowly drain from his son. His red rimmed eyes trained on his son's every breath. Daryl brought Judith over so that Carl could talk to her, and Michonne took the opportunity to call Rick away briefly so she could talk to him.

She placed her hand on the side of his face, knowing that there was nothing she could say to comfort or console him. She wiped a tear from his cheek with her thumb and he closed his eyes briefly. His lip began to tremble, but he abruptly pulled away from her and turned his back.

"I can't" he stated.

Michonne nodded, even though he wasn't facing her. "I know" she said softly. "Rick, when it happens, you shouldn't have to do it."

Rick continued to face away from her. "Neither should you" he responded.

"Rick, let me do it. He and I… we had a promise. We talked about this before. I told him I would."

"The two of you talked about… about this?" Rick emphasized gesturing around himself.

"It came up. After Spencer put Deanna down. He said he'd do it for me if something ever happened, and I told him I'd do it for him too."

Rick's hands were trembling, but he pressed his thumb against his eye, pressing away tears that were building up behind his lids.

"I'm his father. I should do this. I have to do this" Rick said.

"I've… done this before. I didn't have a choice, you do. You don't have to do this. It changes you, forever. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Please Rick, let me do it so you don't have to. You shouldn't have to put down your son."

"He's your son too" Rick said hoarsely.

"He is. But I promised him." Michonne said determinedly. She wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around Rick and cry into his chest, but this wasn't the time, and she could tell something as small as a touch would cause him to collapse into an immovable puddle on the floor.

Rick wiped his hands across his red rimmed eyes and then nodded. He had already said his goodbyes to Carl, and the boy probably wouldn't survive the next hour. There wasn't much left to do but wait.

"When I do it, stay here" Michonne ordered. Rick's eyes shot up at her, narrowing.

"I have to be in there. I have to be there for him."

"You are" Michonne said nodding. "He knows you're here. You can see him from here. He knows you love him, but you don't have to see it happen."

"Stop trying to protect me!" Rick said angrily, his voice raising as he fought back tears. "I have to be in there."

"Rick" Michonne said softly, placing a hand on his chest. "You're here for him. But I… I can't do it if you're in there. It's too much. Please? Stay back." Michonne's lips were trembling as much as Rick's hands, and he wanted to hold her so much, but he nodded. He would be nearby, but he wouldn't be right there when she had to finish Carl.

Michonne blinked a few times and then wiped her eyes and nose in her shirt before turning around and heading back over to Carl. Judith gave Carl a kiss on the cheek before Daryl picked her up and carried her over to where Rick was leaning against the sewer wall, staring at his dying son.

Michonne crouched down next to Carl's cot and placed one hand on his hot forehead as the other interlaced her fingers with his.

"I'm not scared... you know?" Carl asked groggily, struggling to keep his eye open through his shallow breaths. Michonne had a death grip on his hand, as though her hold on him was the only thing keeping him in this world. She was staring at him, not wanting to miss any flutter of his eyes, or tremble of his lips. She needed to constantly confirm that he was still with her.

"Yea?" she asked, her shaky voice barely audible.

"Just tired. It's like… I can finally… rest" he said. It hurt her that he sounded like an old man that had lived a long, hard, life and had seen so many things. In reality, at his young age of 16 he had lived a short, hard life, and had seen so many horrible things that it was no wonder he just wanted to rest and be done with it. His eye closed for a brief moment, causing Michonne's heart to beat against her chest.

"Carl?" she asked sharply, and his eye fluttered open once again.

"I'm… here" he said, a hint of a smile crossing his lips. He focused in on Michonne's face, struggling to stay awake. It was getting harder to stay awake.

"Don't leave me, please?" Michonne asked, leaning in closer to him.

"Can't help it" Carl whispered, the effort of speaking causing him to take in multiple shallow breaths.

"Carl I… I just want to thank you, for everything. For going to get me that day when I showed up at the prison gates. For letting me… for letting me in. For letting me be a mom again. For letting me be your mom. You didn't have to let me in, you had no reason to but you did."

"We had… common… interests" Carl said, his single blue eye rolling to meet Michonne's. Michonne let out a laugh that was a mix between a chuckle and a sob.

"What am I gonna do without you?" Michonne asked him, tears flowing down her cheeks continuously. She stared at him through watery eyes, the soft light of the lanterns that surrounded them in the sewers reflecting off the puddles, making her eyes seem to glow.

Michonne took in how pale he was, how his shirt was soaked in sweat as if a fire was burning him from the inside out. The only thing he could really move now was his eye and his lips, everything else took too much out of him. How could he be so calm? So wise? Michonne felt like she was a child losing her parent instead of the other way around. She couldn't see a future past this. She couldn't see a tomorrow. Carl was the future and it was all over. It was all for nothing.

Carl, despite his exhaustion and his struggle to stay awake and conscious could sense what Michonne was thinking. He put his effort into speaking, making sure she heard him.

"There's more… after… this. You know that. You have... more to do. You have Judy and dad. You can't go back. Only… forward. You gotta win. That's… what I want."

Michonne gripped Carl's hand tighter, and her face contorted into a forced smile. She knew Carl was right, but that made her cry even harder. She did have more after this, and it hurt that he didn't.

"Remember our secret?" Carl asked with a twinkle in his eye. Michonne sniffled in an attempt to stop herself from bawling. She was trying to be strong for him now while he was still alive. Once he died she could bawl all she wanted.

"Yea" she croaked, wiping her free hand across her eyes and then running it through his wild hair.

"I'll take care of him" Carl whispered faintly. "I'll tell him… about his mom. You just take care of… Judith… okay?"

"Okay Carl" Michonne said, leaning down to kiss his forehead.

"And… you don't… have to do it" Carl said, his words now becoming even more of a struggle. She noticed he could barely keep his eye open.

"Do what honey?" Michonne asked, willing him to hold on for a few minutes more, or hours, or days if he could.

"End it… you don't… it's okay…" Carl said, his voice fading.

"Oh Carl" Michonne gasped, pressing her cheek against his. She couldn't believe in his dying moments he was trying to protect her from having to put him down. "I love you, you're my family. I'll do it for you. I promise."

She squeezed him closer, not wanting to let him go, willing him to be the one person in the world who could beat this virus.

She leaned in close and kissed his forehead and cheek, and cleared his hair from his face before she realized that he wasn't moving anymore. Afraid to check, afraid to look, Michonne froze, praying it wasn't what she thought.

"Carl?" she whispered shakily. The absolute silence coming from him was the only answer she needed. Michonne squeezed her eyes shut, unprepared and unwilling to see another dead son. She had only had a few hours to prepare herself for this, for everything happening around her. She was still in shock and denial. She couldn't bring herself to look at him.

"Carl?!" Michonne wailed, clutching him to her. He was dead weight, hanging limply in her arms.

"Carl!" Michonne screamed loudly, her voice echoing through the sewers. Rick stood stock still and stared at the scene.

"No!" he wailed, his numbness melting like hot wax when he understood what had happened. He tore over to where Carl lay and threw himself on top of his son's body. "Oh noooo" he moaned, placing his head against Carl's chest.

"My boy, my boy, my boy" Rick chanted in a hoarse dirge as he wrapped himself around his son, as if someone were trying to pull him away.

Michonne couldn't see through the tears in her eyes, and Rick was making it worse. There was little privacy in the sewer tunnel, but most people had moved around a bend in the tunnel so that the Grimes' could have their own area at the end. Rick's cries were echoing off the walls, causing others to peak around the corner, unwitting voyeurs to the family's agonizing pain.

"Rick" Michonne gasped out. She stood behind Rick's prone body and leaned down, wrapping her arms around him from behind as he kneeled, his upper body splayed across Carl's. "Rick, I have to. I have to do it now."

"No" Rick moaned, and let out a heartbreaking sob.

"Please" Michonne managed, whispering in his ear. "I can't if you… I… I promised I would." Michonne placed her arms underneath the grieving father's armpits and hugged him tighter. "This is what Carl wanted".

Rick cleared his throat and took in a deep breath. "I'm not going anywhere" he muttered, turning his head towards his still son. He shimmied closer to Carl and stared at his pale face. "We'll do this together."

Michonne felt as though a weight had been lifted from the pit of her stomach. As much as she didn't want to carry out this next task, she was so grateful that Rick wanted to do this with her. This was a burden she never thought she'd have to carry, and Rick was right here with her, even though the weight was almost too much to bear.

Michonne carefully untangled her arms from Rick's back, and slowly sunk to her knees next to Rick, by Carl's head. She leaned over and planted one last kiss on his forehead, afterwards wiping away the tears that had flooded her eyes all over again.

"I'll… I'll hold his head" Rick spat out through his tears, and he reached out and placed one hand on Carl's chin, the other on his cheek. Rick slowly stroked Carl's hair, and Michonne removed a knife from her belt.

Michonne glanced over at Rick, almost asking for permission, but he continued to fixate on his son's face, his eyes dancing back to forth. "We love you Carl" Michonne whispered, before pushing the knife through his temple as gently as she could. When she pulled the knife out, she fell backwards onto the floor, as if all of her strength had been sapped with that one action. There was a deafening silence in the tunnel, as if everything living and dead was holding a moment of silence for the brave boy that had saved them all. Rick was still fixated on Carl's face, holding on to his son as if he would disappear soon. Michonne sat on the floor, the bloody knife discarded a few inches away. The stress of the past few hours drained her, and she finally emptied out, bringing her knees up to her chin and weeping into her hands. Michonne cried unashamedly, not even trying to control the noises and sobs she was making.

Rick was in a trance, his hand finding Carl's cold and clammy fingers. Rick squeezed them, remembering another time when he'd told his son that he wanted to show him the new world, and make it a reality for him. He'd failed his son. He never got a chance to show Carl a real life, where he didn't have to worry about danger, and walkers, and threats. Maybe that life didn't even exist anymore. Maybe he was a fool for thinking that it did. Rick couldn't tear his eyes away from his son. He couldn't move past this. Not this.

He gradually became aware of sniffling next to him. He tried to shut it out of his head, he tried to ignore anything else but his own pain, but it continued. Tearing his eyes from Carl, Rick turned to see Michonne sitting on the floor, weeping. His wife, his love, she was in pain too. She loved Carl just as deeply as he did, and her connection with him was even deeper than his own. She was hurting, and he couldn't ignore that.

He slowly loosened his grip on Carl's fingers, already losing their color and becoming pale and white. Rick turned around and sat on the dirty sewer floor next to Michonne. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders, and rested his head against the side of hers.

She didn't say a word, but her breathing gradually slowed, as did her sniffles. "I'm so sorry" she said, as she looked straight ahead at the dirty sewer wall across from them.

"We'll do this together" he whispered through his pain, holding her a smidge tighter against his body for comfort.

"It's what Carl wanted", Michonne replied.

 _ **Author's note:**_ _I hope you enjoyed it (as much as one can enjoy this situation), and please leave a review and tell me what you think. Thanks!_


	2. Chapter 2

**_Author's Note: So... I received such a great response for this one shot that I decided to add another chapter. I may put additional chapters in, once season 8b starts (if they have interesting story lines) so I'm not sure if I'm done or not, but I hope you enjoy. And please, please leave a review! Thank you!_**

Maggie peered over the Hilltop's gates, binoculars held up to her eyes. She had made it crystal clear to the Saviors that Hilltop wouldn't be cooperating with their plan, by leaving the dead body of the Savior she'd shot in a box blocking the road they would take to come back to the Hilltop. If they hadn't found the box yet they would shortly, and she knew that would mean a battalion of Negan's soldiers may surround the town soon.

The night before, the remaining people of the Kingdom had arrived led by Carol, piled into a single school bus. Maggie couldn't help but have flashbacks of the people of Woodbury arriving at the prison, hoping for sanctuary and safety, fleeing the clutches of an insane ruler. It seemed like every few months they would find rest, and some semblance of peace, only for some maniac to take it away, over and over and over again. And at the end, there were always refugees. The innocent, the lost, the hopeless.

Glenn had always been in favor of taking in those who couldn't help themselves. He was good that way, he always knew what was right and what was wrong. Had she not met him, she wasn't sure she would've developed his sense of benevolence, but after knowing him, and loving him, she had made a promise with herself to keep his legacy of compassion alive. For him, and for their child that was growing inside of her. Although, she had done something that tainted that legacy. She had killed a Savior in cold-blood as revenge. She knew it was wrong. She knew she was angry, and just wanted to take it out on someone. She was frustrated, and scared for her friends in the other communities. She was devastated that Simon had shot one of her people, and the plan had gone to hell, and because of that a man died.

She accepted her actions, and knew that they may come back to haunt her at one point, but such was the nature of war.

As she stared into the distance, watching the horizon slowly change from dark blue to having a hint of orange from the rising ball of fire in the sky, Maggie's thoughts turned to Alexandria. No one had heard any news from them. Simon had told her that the Saviors were taking over the Kingdom, and Hilltop was going to be the Savior's breadbasket. But what about Alexandria? Did the Saviors take them hostage? Was there a fight? Was everyone there dead? Maggie wasn't sure if they'd surrender or not. Surrender meant death for a few people at least. Definitely Rick. The Grimes family wouldn't stand for that. But if it meant no one else had to die, Maggie knew Rick would give his life. But then again, Negan loved to play that game, and throw curve balls. He'd probably kill Carl or Michonne, or hell even Judith, just to make a point.

She realized that until they made the area around the Hilltop safe, there may not be any communication with Alexandria for a while. While the Saviors were running around free on the roads, Hilltop had to hunker down.

 _'We may be the only ones left'_ Maggie thought with a shudder.

She slowly lowered her binoculars and looked up at the sky, where stars were still twinkling. It wasn't supposed to be like this. The Saviors were supposed to surrender. Alexandra, the Kingdom, and the Hilltop were supposed to be victorious. They were supposed to secure peace and prosperity for everyone, and for the future inhabitants of this world. Now, she was in charge of the last known resistance against Negan, and she was terrified. Terrified for herself, and for her baby.

She wondered what she'd be doing right now if the apocalypse never happened. If she had continued being the young girl growing up on her daddy's farm. Would she be in college? Have a job? Be out clubbing? Be on her computer? Maybe gossiping with her girlfriends on the phone?

She was sure she wouldn't be a pregnant widow in the middle of a war, leading the last leg of the resistance. Yet here she was.

She released a sigh and fixed her eyes on the road again, just in time to catch the gleam of something metal in the faint moonlight.

"Hey!" Maggie hissed, pointing straight ahead. The others on watch focused in on what she was pointing out. She could see the faint outline of figures in the woods.

"There's people out there!" Maggie warned. Someone flicked on a spotlight that cast the woods in front of the Hilltop into unexpected light. The people below froze, shielding their eyes from the blinding light that penetrated the dark woods. Maggie gasped when she recognized the people below.

"Open the gates!" she called as she simultaneously climbed down from her look out spot. The gates slowly creaked open and Maggie got in front of them just as the survivors from Alexandria arrived. Maggie couldn't help but smile when she realized she wasn't alone. Rick was here, he'd know what to do. He'd know how to fight them.

She smiled wider when she saw Judith in Michonne's arms. They'd gotten away, they were safe. Maggie jogged up to Rick, but when she got close enough to see his face she froze in her tracks. His face was blank. There was blood and dirt caked on his face and in his beard, and his blue eyes had a sheen of tears to them. There were dried tear marks that cut through the stains on his face as if he'd been crying for a while and stopped bothering to wipe the tears away. All of their clothes were damp and dirty, and they had dirt stains on their knees and the backs of their pants as if they'd been sitting in and walking through filth. When Maggie glanced at Rick's eyes, they held a level of blankness that she only remembered him having once before. After he'd lost his wife. He didn't greet her or say anything to her, he just stared.

Maggie looked to Michonne for an explanation, but what she saw in Michonne's eyes was worse than Rick's blankness. In her eyes there was total despair. Michonne held her katana in her right hand, and Judith tightly clutched in her left. She was gripping Judith fiercely, pressing the girl's head to her chest. Michonne's eyes were wide, watery, circular orbs, and her forehead was furrowed deeply. The intensity in which she clutched Judith set off alarm bells in Maggie's head.

"You're here" Maggie said, unsure of what to say. Obviously something horrible had gone down in Alexandria, but they'd made it out. It seemed like most people were here, except for…

"Where's Carl?" she asked.

Rick stared past Maggie into the distance, and Michonne lowered her katana, and snuggled her face into Judith's cheeks. Her eyes were squeezed shut, as if willing tears not to fall.

"Rick…" Maggie said, growing more concerned. "Did they take him? Did… does Negan have him?"

Daryl stepped forward and Maggie could see he was damp as if he'd walked through a swamp. They all looked so exhausted, they must've walked miles in the dark. Who knew what they'd gone through to get here.

"He got… bit" Daryl said softly, as if he spoke too loudly his voice may shatter Carl's parents who were barely hanging on.

Maggie gasped and brought her hand to her mouth, tears springing from her eyes. She reached her left hand towards Rick, but then quickly brought it back to her mouth. Rick began to blink rapidly, still not looking at anyone. He turned away from Maggie and continued to stare into the distance. Michonne was still tightly gripping Judith with her eyes closed.

"I'm so... oh my God" Maggie said at a loss for words. Rick gave off a vibe that he didn't want to be touched, so Maggie turned to Michonne and embraced her and Judith. Michonne allowed Maggie to hug her, but she wasn't in a state of mind to return the affection, and Maggie knew it. She eventually let go.  
Maggie turned towards Daryl, Rosita, and Tara when she realized Rick and Michonne weren't the most stable people to give an update to.

"Everyone's here" Maggie explained. "What's left of the Kingdom arrived last night. Carol was with 'em. It's not much, mostly kids and others who never learned to fight, but it's something."

"Carol's here?" Daryl asked sounding relieved.

"Yea, but there's no Ezekiel. She said they captured him while everyone else was escaping. I think Negan might use him as an example. Maybe hang him on the gates or something."

"We can't let that happen" Rosita said fiercely.

"Now that we're all here together we won't. I'm so glad y'all got here" Maggie said honestly. "I thought Hilltop was all alone for a while."

"Can we... get a room?" Michonne asked softly, her voice only a whisper. Grief and sadness were coming off of Rick and Michonne in waves.

The rooms at Barrington House were already full, and the trailers had families doubling up, but Maggie knew Rick and Michonne needed their own space to grieve. She'd find a place for them.

"Yea, yea sure" Maggie said quickly. "You can stay stay in Gregory's office. We were using that as a planning room, but… you need rest. The rest of y'all, we'll find somewhere for you to sleep. C'mon, y'all can change out of those wet clothes."

Maggie called someone over to lead the other Alexandrians to a place where they could get a change of clothes and lodgings. Afterwards, she led Rick and Michonne to Gregory's office which was strewn with maps, ammunition, and other signs of Maggie, Carol, Jerry, and Jesus' plans to defend themselves against Negan's upcoming attacks.

Rick and Michonne were silent as they followed Maggie into the room, and Judith was clinging tightly to Michonne's neck, on the verge of falling asleep. Michonne hadn't put away her katana. She still was clutching it tightly in her right hand, as if she expected something to jump out at her at any moment. Rick also was on edge, the tenseness between them set a heavy feeling in the air.

"Y'all can sleep on the couches, or on the floor. It's up to you. I'll be back in a minute with some clothes for y'all and Judith to change into. Are you hungry? I can bring you somethin' to eat?" Maggie asked.

Michonne shook her head left to right two times, looking past Maggie at the wall. The two of them were in shock, and rightly so.

"I can take Judith" Maggie offered, "give you two some time…"

"No!" Michonne said quickly, much louder than she'd meant to. Judith startled and stuck her head up to look at her mother. "No. We'll… take care of her" Michonne said more softly, and Maggie's heart broke at the desperateness in her eyes. She responded as if Judith was the only one holding her to this earth. In a way, she was. She was the only child they had left.

Maggie nodded in understanding. "I'll be right back" she said softly, and she backed out of the room, noticing Rick hadn't said a word yet and he continued to stare blankly at the wall.

After Maggie closed the door to the office, Michonne continued to stand, holding on to Judith. The little girl was desperately tired, and scared. She had been through so much already. They had to walk to Hilltop from Alexandria, dodging walkers and the cars of the the Saviors alike. Somehow, Judith was always good at recognizing when she was in danger, and she was silent the whole time, clutching Michonne tightly. She had been passed between Rick and Michonne a few times, as they had to walk for hours, and their arms would fatigue from holding her for that long. The two of them didn't give the girl to anyone else though. They had been fiercely protective of their baby since they buried Carl, and all of their other family members knew it was best to stay out of their way. Their clothes were soaked and dirty from the rivers and swamps that dotted the landscape between the two towns. And the two of them also still had the dirt from Carl's grave smeared across their faces, hands, feet, and under their nails.

Michonne kept replaying the moment Carl revealed that he'd been bitten, over and over in her head. It was a shock like no other. Every time she thought about it, it felt like she'd been sucker punched. She wanted the visual of the angry red bite splashed against Carl's pale white skin to stop searing itself into her mind, but it was all she could see when she closed her eyes. And when she opened them, she remembered the bites that Andre had when she'd found him. The savagery in which her tiny child had been bitten caused her to clutch Judith even tighter, waking her up again.

Judith let out an exhausted whine. She wanted to sleep so badly, but she kept being woken up. "I'm sorry Judy" Michonne apologized, rocking her back and forth. She realized her pain was preventing the child from sleeping. Since she was already awake, Michonne took the opportunity to get her out of her filthy, damp clothes so that she could get some rest. She put the girl down on the floor, and kneeled in front of her, peeling off the soiled dress she wore, and her soaking wet leggings. Judith was standing still, allowing Michonne to undress her, but her eyes were closed as if she were sleeping while standing up.

There was another knock on the door and a pause. Neither Michonne or Rick said anything, but in a few seconds the door was slowly pushed open and Maggie returned, carrying bedding, clothes, and water. She placed the pile down on a table in front of where Michonne was getting Judith ready for bed. She noticed Rick hadn't moved at all from the spot he was in when she left.

"It's just a few shirts, and some sheets. I found a small shirt for Judith to change into so she can sleep" Maggie said.

Michonne nodded as she continued to take care of Judith.

"Daryl told me what happened" she said, turning towards Rick. Maggie walked up to him and stood behind him, placing a hand on one of his shoulders. "I loved Carl like he was the little brother I never had. Daryl told me that he saved everyone, that he came up with a plan to get everyone out of harm's way. That was the kind of kid he was. He was the sweetest kid I know, but he also was strong, and protective, and noble. He was a warrior, Rick, and he only became that because he had a father who taught him how to be that way. I just hope that my baby can grow up to be like him. I know the two of you are hurting, and we never get enough time to grieve for the people we lose now a days, but we need the both of you. I need the both of you, to make it through this."

Maggie's lip began to tremble, but she took a quick breath to keep her emotions in check. They didn't need her to start crying too.

"Go on and get some rest" Maggie continued, making her way to the door. When she reached it, she turned to face them again one last time and softly said "I'm sorry". She then closed the door behind her.

Michonne put Judith in a t-shirt that Maggie had provided, and lay the girl on one of the couches while she crouched next to it. "Nite nite, sleepy head" Michonne said to Judith softly as she tucked her under a sheet, and the girl repeated after her mother, with a soft "nite nite".

Michonne stayed crouched next to Judith, stroking her hair, until she was sure the girl was fast asleep underneath her covers. She then stood, her muscles aching from the walking that they'd done all day and night. Rick was standing, facing towards the wall, but his eyes were now closed, and his arms were wrapped around himself as if the room were freezing. Michonne knew he was deep in thought, probably blaming himself somehow for Carl's death. She slowly made her way over to him, and wrapped her arms around his waist from behind, snuggling her face into his damp back. She felt safe here, attached to him. She didn't feel alone.

As much as she was hurting right now, as hopeless at it felt, as heartbroken as she was, this death was still not as bad as when she lost Andre, and she knew why. She still had a family. She still had a child. She still had hope. That was what Carl meant when he said _'You have more to do. You have Judy and dad. You can't go back. Only forward.'_

She'd told Carl what she'd become after she lost her son, and he didn't want her to be that again. For his sake, she wouldn't.

"You need to rest" Michonne said to Rick softly, loosening her hold on his waist.

"I can't" he said hoarsely, and she definitely could relate. She didn't know how she'd get to sleep either tonight.

"I know" she said softly. She reached down and held on to the bottom of his damp sewer and swamp stained shirt. It was filthy. Slowly she pulled it up his body, until his lower torso was revealed.

"Uncross your arms" she said into his ear. He tensed up for a few brief seconds before raising his arms slightly so that she could pull the shirt up and over his head. She leaned forward and kissed his back reverently before dropping the shirt to the floor.

"Turn around" she ordered. Rick slowly turned to face her, and Michonne could see he'd started to cry again. His expression caused her emotions to rise, and she had to choke back her tears and resolve to stay strong for him. She used the wetness of his tears to wipe some of the dirt from his face, running her hands down his cheeks to rub the walker guts and slime away.

"We'll do this together, right?" she asked him. He nodded slowly, his eyes focusing on her face. Michonne nodded as well, and her hands found his belt buckle, but she was having a surprisingly hard time of unbuckling it because her hands were shaking. Rick reached forwards and placed his hands on hers, stilling her. Her eyes met his, and he nodded slightly before leaning forward and giving her an encouraging peck on the lips. She took a deep breath, her nerves temporarily calmed, and she unbuckled his belt and his pants. She then pushed the pants down his legs until he was standing in his boxers.

Michonne walked over to the pile of clothes Maggie left and fished out a clean t-shirt and a towel. Starting with Rick's face, Michonne began to wipe the dirt off of his face, hands, arms, and chest. Leaves and debris from the swamp were sticking to the now soiled towel, but he looked cleaner and less wild than he had a few minutes ago. When she was done, he squeezed her hand in his own and whispered "thank you."

She attempted a small smile, but it felt strange on her face. Maybe it was too early to smile. Maybe she wasn't ready, but that attempt triggered another wave of emotions.

 _'Carl won't ever get to smile again. Carl won't get to feel any emotions. He'll never be happy, never be sad, never fall in love, never have children. He was cheated, and all because of something so stupid, something so pointless'_ Michonne thought.

She tried to stop the tears, but they hit her like a tsunami, all crashing on her at once. Rick could see it coming, and all he could do was hold her to his bare chest as she crumbled before his very eyes.

"It's not... fair... he didn't deserve... that" Michonne hiccuped through her tears. "I always thought... we were doing this... for him and Judith. But... if children never survive, there is... there is no future."

Rick had already started crying again, and he could barely speak through the emotions he was feeling.

"I always thought he would bury me" Rick said candidly. "I had one job when I woke up in that hospital, and it was find my family. And I did. I found them. Then it changed to protect my family, and I tried. But Lori died. I don't know if I could've changed that, or stopped it from happenin', but I blamed myself for a long time. But then I realized that my job had changed to protect my children. And I took that on, thought I was finally doin' okay. And now... it just feels like everyone I love dies. And I don't know how to stop it. This is too much, it's too hard. I look at Judith, and if she dies too I don't know if I can survive."

Michonne nodded and held Rick tighter. "I know how it feels when everyone you love is dead. I know what it feels like to be hopeless. We still have hope Rick, and we have to hold on to what little hope we have left."

"You're talkin' 'bout your child?" Rick asked her, and Michonne tensed up. "I overheard you talkin' to Carl about him all the way back at terminus. How did you live without him Michonne? How did you deal with the pain?"

Michonne shook her head and then shrugged. "I just kept living. I didn't have a choice, my body kept breathing so I stayed alive. But my soul, my soul was dead for a long time. Carl helped me get it back. I owe that to him, and you, and Judith."

"Michonne, I think we're the ones who live, but what good is that when everyone around us dies?"

"I don't have the answers, but I know nothing is over until your heart stops beating. Carl wouldn't want us to give up. Carl fought until the end, and if we don't do that, we don't honor his memory. Even if fighting is the most painful thing to do."

Rick brought up a hand and placed it on the side of Michonne's face. He felt so overwhelmingly grateful to have her in his life. He never thought that the warrior woman he gazed on from the other side of the fence that day in the prison would become his soulmate, and the only person who could bring him back from the brink.

He leaned down a little so that he was eye level with her, and with all the sincerity he could muster, he said "I love you."

Michonne gave him a watery smile, her first real one since Carl's death. She nodded, and with a little smirk she responded, "I know."

His face lit up. "I figured, I just wanted to make sure you knew."

Michonne placed her palms on both of Rick's cheeks and pulled his face closer to hers. She kissed him softly and tenderly, both of them trying to offer some semblance of comfort to the other. When they finally broke apart, Michonne said "I love you too Rick."

***can08writer***

Rick and Michonne barely slept that night, and when they did it wasn't at the same time. Barrington House wasn't their home, and that already had them on edge, but their only son had just died, and they knew Negan would attack Hilltop at some point, and so any noise or squeak coming from the old house had them both on full alert. Rick was constantly up, looking out the windows, checking the locks on the doors, but when Michonne was up she checked on Judith. Since Carl died, Judith had not been out of arms reach of Michonne. She was somewhat of a safety blanket, and if Michonne knew the little girl was okay, she was okay too.

Early in the morning there was a light knock at the door. Rick had just drifted off to sleep again, and Judith was still knocked out, so Michonne got up and slowly creaked the door open.

Carol was standing there in full kingdom armor, holding a bowl of fruit and a devastated look on her face. When she saw Michonne, she just opened her arms and wrapped them around the other woman. Michonne hugged Carol back, happy to see her friend.

"I know this doesn't help, but I'm sorry" she said, squeezing Michonne tighter. Michonne nodded and leaned into Carol. After a few seconds Michonne let go.

"I brought some fruit" Carol said, holding up the basket. "Even if you're not hungry, I figured Judith might be."

"Thank you Carol" Michonne said softly, accepting the basket.

Carol stood there for a few seconds as if she were debating whether to say something or not, but she decided on saying it.

"It gets better" Carol said knowingly, her voice breaking a little. "Not the feeling of loss, that doesn't ever go away. Not the hurting, or the missing him. But how you deal with that pain gets better if you let it."

Michonne gave a small smile at Carol's attempt to console her. "I know" Michonne said with a nod of her head. She hesitated on whether she was going to explain how she knew, but she decided that talking about Andre might help her heal a little better from Carl.

"This isn't the first time I've lost a child" Michonne admitted. Carol's mouth opened slightly at the news.

"My son Andre was bitten by walkers too."

"Michonne..." Carol said, her heart breaking again for this woman.

"I know you lost your daughter the same way. I know you've been where I am, and it means a lot that you... that you came here" Michonne said on the verge of tears.

Carol embraced Michonne again, holding her against her. "Women who have lost their children and survived it... there is something we share that no one else can understand. We are warriors. And women who have lost multiple children, they are the strongest warriors. This isn't the end Michonne. This whole thing with Negan, one day soon it'll be over, and when it is, you have to be ready for the world that comes next. I thought that running away from the pain would work. I thought if I was away from everyone I loved and who loved me, the pain would go away too. But I realized, the only way to get over the pain is to be with the people you love. And you're lucky enough to still have Rick, and Judith, and the rest of us. We all love you, and we all loved Carl."

Michonne squeezed Carol and took a step back so that she could look in her eyes. "I know you did, and he loved all of you too. Thank you for all of this Carol, one strong warrior to another."


	3. Chapter 3

_This one-shot takes place about two months after All-Out War is finished. I wasn't sure where to put this exactly, but I thought it would sort of fit into the What Carl Wanted story somewhat. I wrote this based on a prompt by irmise on tumblr, where she wanted to see the scene that was shot for episode 8x16 of Rick, Michonne, and Judith at Carl's grave that was cut from the final episode. I hope this didn't disappoint!_

Rick, Michonne, and Judith approached Alexandria's graveyard, and walked slowly through the rows of markers until they came upon the cross that marked Carl's grave. The ground and trees around the graves had been scorched from fire, ash, and debris that had rained down on them from the houses when they were still burning, but now, everything in the ghost town was just still, and silent. Michonne paused for a moment with Judith, as Rick continued forwards alone, and stopped in front of his son's grave.

Rick took a breath, and breathed in the burning smell that still permeated throughout Alexandria. Ironically, everything had been destroyed _except_ their home, where Negan had waited patiently for Rick. But what was once destroyed could be rebuilt, as long as the townspeople were around to build it, and the reason that people were still around was lying in the grave in front of him.

Rick slowly bent down and crouched next to Carl's grave, pulling up some weeds that had taken root. Rick fidgeted with the crooked cross until it was straight again, and ran his fingers through the loose soil.

"I know it's been a while, since we've been able to come back. We had to clear out the walkers, and fix the gates so they couldn't come back in. And we had so much to straighten out at the other communities before we could even do that. But I came as soon as I could. You deserve to know, we did it," Rick said softly. "We ended it. It's over." Rick paused for a moment and shook his head, letting it hit him that this war that seemed to last forever really was over.

"It was a big fight, and we lost some more people along the way, but we won. The Saviors don't exist anymore. We just have four communities of _people_. Just people, who are willing to work together, and trade, and help each other for the betterment of everyone."

Rick pressed his finger against his eyes to stifle the tears that were threatening to trickle from them.

"It took me a while to understand what you wanted Carl. I didn't want to know. I didn't want to hear it. I didn't even want to read your letter. I… I didn't want to save Negan. Ever. Not after what he did. What and who he took from us." Rick paused and rolled his neck and then wiped tears that had escaped from his eyes.

"Deep down I knew what you wanted, but I was so full of rage I didn't care. But I knew I was starting to lose myself. I was starting to become everything that I hated about Negan. I was cold, calculating, manipulative. I gave my word to some Saviors and then I killed them anyway. And they deserved it, but I saw myself in the mirror, and I thought back to the man I used to be. The man that you called dad, the man who you used to brag to your friends about how I made the world safe from bad guys, the man you wrote about in your letter. And then I thought about Judith. What could she brag to her friends about? That her daddy slit Negan's throat? That her daddy slaughtered all the Saviors? That her daddy wiped the Sanctuary off the face of the Earth? I didn't fully understand the impact that I had until I slit Negan's neck and saw the Saviors watching me. I saw Michonne watching me. And I realized that this couldn't be the start of the New World. There had to be something more than killing."

Rick lovingly ran his hand over the dirt. "Negan is done. He's not dead, but he'll never hurt anyone again. You saved us Carl, physically, but you saved me mentally too. You saved the children who come after, who can look at this moment in history and say _this_ was the start of compassion, and goodness, and morality after the world ended. You saved the world for Judith too, because hopefully she'll know the same dad that you had. I'll try to stay that way, for her, and for you. We'll rebuild this place, the houses, the streets, we'll make it the way you saw in your mind. We'll make it real like I promised. It's just…" Rick's voice broke.

"I miss you so much" he sobbed.

Michonne, hearing his words, slowly approached Rick and placed a hand on his back. She then knelt down in front of Carl's grave, and placed Judith in her lap.

"We both do" Michonne added, "We miss you every day. Sometimes I don't know how to move forward. But I remember that I promised you I'd be strong for your dad, and Judith, and I'll keep my promise."

Michonne leaned down a little closer so that her face was a few inches from the ground. "And I have a secret to tell you Carl" Michonne whispered, "We're going to have a baby."

Rick smiled through his tears, and Michonne leaned over and placed her palm on Rick's cheek, slowly rubbing her thumb across it and wiping away his tears. Rick leaned into her palm, her touch already making him feel a little better.

"Don't cry daddy" Judith said.

Rick smiled at his daughters words. "Okay Judy, I won't" he confirmed.

"Do you want to give Carl the present we brought for him?" Michonne asked Judith softly. She nodded excitedly. Michonne pulled out a small box she had brought with them from Hilltop. Inside were flower bulbs that had just begun to grow.

"We're going to plant these right here near Carl, and every time we come to visit him we can see how much they've grown" Michonne said.

"And they'll be pretty?" Judith asked.

"They'll be beautiful" Michonne said, "Carl will love them."

Rick, Michonne, and Judith made small holes on the perimeter of Carl's grave, and planted the flower bulbs in a semicircle. When they were done they wiped the dirt from their clothes and stood, Rick holding one of Judith's hands, Michonne holding the other. After a few seconds, the clouds parted in one section of the sky, producing a narrow beam of sunlight that shone directly on Carl's grave.

Rick and Michonne turned to look at each other, seeing if the other noticed the strange coincidence, but it was Judith who vocalized their sentiments.

"See daddy, Carl likes it!"

Rick let out a chuckle that sent another tear down his cheek. "Yes princess, I think he does."

Rick led Michonne and Judith away from the graveyard to what used to be the orchards before Negan's men firebombed it. The old crops had withered and burned, all except a young tree that had miraculously survived.

"This has to be it" Rick said to Michonne.

Michonne nodded and said "it has to be."

Carl had told her in her letter about a tree he'd planted with Judith, and seeing as though this was the only tree small enough to fit that description, she was convinced. She turned to Judith.

"This is the tree you planted with Carl. You see how little it is now?" Michonne asked. Judith nodded her head.

"One day it will be really really big, just like those flowers. Just like you. And you can tell everyone that you planted that tree with your brother."

"How big?" Judith asked.

"Bigger than you, even bigger than me" Rick said.

"Wooow" Judith said excitedly. She ran her fingers through the small tree's leaves.

"C'mon, there's something else you need to see" Michonne said to Judith, and the three of them headed over to their home. Michonne walked up on the porch and Judith followed behind her. Michonne crouched down in a corner of the porch, and Judith followed her curiously.

"See that?" Michonne asked, pointing to two palm prints that had been pressed onto the porch floor in blue paint.

"Uh huh" Judith confirmed.

"Do you know who made those?" Michonne asked.

"Me!" Judith said loudly.

"And do you know who made the other ones?" Michonne asked.

"Carl!" Judith said.

"Yes, he did. And this is our home, we're going to come back here to live one day. Those prints that you and Carl made mean that this is our home forever. And you, me, daddy, and the baby will live here. And you can tell the baby about Carl too. Right?"

"Right!" Judith repeated.

Michonne looked up and saw Rick smiling at them at the bottom of the porch steps, hope and peace shining in his eyes.


End file.
